the truth is i think freshman year was, overall, a negative experience for me (with a few exceptions)

you see, after coming here, it seems like rather than defining myself, i've lost myself instead. and honestly, i think right now, i'm probably in the lowest state i've ever been. i know it sucks cuz the face i show everyone is close to me, but not the real me, and it seems liek i'm some really depressed guy... which was never really true.. at all. i'm not like this. i never was. i used to be successful. really successful at everything and anything i applied myself to. now it's like i don't really even care so much about anything.

socially -- i think i did the best here but there was much room for improvement -- see, i met some great people here, and that's the one really positive positive positive thing about this year. some of the best and coolest people i've ever met. they really make life worth living. they are the people i never knew.. see back in the day my friends.. i've always had my share of not-so-great friends. spent time hanging out with the guys that put up fake self images and were two-faced and selfish and a whole lot of other things.. and in ways it was a great thing bcuz i learned how to meld myself to NOT be one of them. so when people talk to me and they see me with them, it's weird.. they say even tho i look like them and talk like them, it's almost immediate that they can tell i'm different.
but the people i met here, theyre different. and i love hanging with them cuz i dont have to watch what i say or how i act or anythign stupid like that.
but i also wasnt very social. i didn't go out much and stuff like that. all my friends that i have here kinda came to me.

physically -- i'm not the 125lbs skinny me..and i'm not the 160 lbs i wanna be.. i'm the 160 lbs i dont wanna be. lol

spiritually -- religion doesnt exist for me. morality is lost. i drink i eat pork i wipe my ass with my right hand. kidding. kidding. but seriously im supposed to pray 5 times a day (and i tell my parents i do) but i dont. and it knida sucks

academically -- my worst performance ever ever ever in my life. ever. i never was like this. i used to do well in school. exceptionally well. now i just suck. now i'm jus pathetic.

there's a lot i gotta work on. a lot. but you know the good thing about this year, it was a learning experience. maybe it's the first step to realizing what and who i really am by bcoming what i really dont liek being. i'm not sure, but i do hope that from here there's only up to go and good to look forward to.

anyways, thanks for reading my rant. we got 2 more weeks till my favorite season so have fun yall. love you guys.

That's a pic of my current desktop. If you want your desktop to look as good (or better than) mine, please look on the log below.

So today was a chill-out day, just chillin back in my home in MG. I did some reading up on the gaming industry and even chatted with my dad about my seriousness in getting involved.. and i think i've made some serious progress on my decision. I'm going to do it. I'm going to get into game development as a profession.

Now that's not exactly an "easy" task. The gaming industry is extremely selective. But as always I've wanted to do one thing with my life, whether it was make music, or movies, or .. games.. and do it with a passion, give it my absolute best. And i feel if that's what i'm really going to do, there's no stopping me.

If you too are interested in getting into the game deving world, check out these sites:

www.gamasutra.com
www.unreal/com (for engine modding unreal)

Infact, Unreal and NVIDIA has this 1,000,000 Mod-Design Contest. Imagine that huh? There's so much money in the gaming industry. =)